Haunted

It is 12 days until Christmas and all through the house I am haunted by the ghosts of Winters past. Today, an old memory surfaced after reflecting on all that has taken place in 2024 and wondering what 2025 holds in store. I was thinking about how my oldest daughter will be 18 and my youngest will be 11. Which led to me thinking about my 11th year here on this earth. I remember those were the days that my mother was drinking and bar hopping the most. There are two nights that stand out for me the most. The first was when my mother was about 24 beers in and had almost downed an entire 5th of Early Times and out of hand was not enough to describe her once she was that hammered. Finally, I spoke up and made a comment about not understanding how she did not have alcohol poisoning at that point and the arguing began. She was very loud and belligerent when she was drinking. It was around midnight, and I was at the end of my rope. I finally lost my temper and said, "Why don't you just pass the fuck out already like every other night?" (I couldn't imagine my 11-year-old talking to me this way or seeing me the way I saw her.) I was just so ready for bed. I had already got into my pj's which consisted of a tank top and shorts. Keep in mind it is the middle of winter, midnight and about 25 degrees outside. When I said that, she shoved me out the door no jacket and no shoes, threw my cell phone at my face... (my cell at the time was the short chunky little Kyocera phones with the blue light up keypad) and locked the door. I called my dad who was about 30 minutes away and asked him to come get me. I told him what had happened, and I waited for them to get up, get dressed and make the trip to get me. By the time they got there I was frozen solid and had cried myself stupid. My dad nor my stepmom asked if I was okay. They pulled up, I climbed in and the first thing I heard was my stepmom saying, "You understand it's after midnight, right?" Knowing that any response I would give in that moment would sound disrespectful I chose to just nod and apologize. I guess I should have just not bothered them and slept outside. As if feeling like a burden wasn't enough, my dad had to follow her comment with, "You can't keep me away from my mama," mimicking my voice. I said nothing. I just let the tears flow and watched out the window. And per the usual, since the taunting didn't illicit a response, he kept mimicking me with different phrases all the way home. Finally, we pulled into the driveway, I climbed out and went in to cry myself to sleep. The second memory that haunts me from my 11th year in this life was again drinking related. My mother was knocking them back one after another and her and her boyfriend were fighting and arguing. Somehow my brother got caught up in the middle of it all and became her punching bag so to speaking. She was spitting venom at him, and I could see the pain on his face, so I stepped in and tried to get the focus on me. We had just gotten a nice half inch thick glass top coffee table. She was sitting on the couch and turned her focus to me as planned. She started saying the usual things, "You are such a fuck up, I hate you. I wish you were never born. All you do is ruin everyone's lives." I asked her to slow down the drinking and she told me not to tell her what to do. Again, I had reached my breaking point and said, "Fine. Drink up. Drown in it for all I care. I am so over you being an alcoholic," glared at her with so much disdain and hatred before turning to walk away. Before I had completely turned around and took that first step, I heard glass shattering everywhere. She had slammed her beer bottle down on that glass top table and caught it just right that it shattered, and that thick glass sliced right through her hand all the way through her tendons. She didn't want to call rescue because she was drinking and was supposed to be watching us. She couldn't drive herself because she was so drunk that she could barely even walk straight much less drive a vehicle. So, 11-year-old me got into her Subaru, and drove her to the hospital. It wasn't my first time driving without a license and I was sure it wouldn't be last considering my mother couldn't stay sober to save her life. I just could not imagine my little girl standing out in the cold freezing because she begged me to better myself, or risking her record and life to drive me somewhere because I was too drunk or high to do it myself. I couldn't imagine my children being ashamed of me. Even though these memories leak back up to the surface in the most unexpected times, I take pride in knowing those memories end here. My kids will grow up and feel Christmas coming and remember the elves being silly, or the excitement they felt on Christmas morning. When it's cold outside, the crisp cool air will nip them on the nose, and they will have memories of freezing on their walk to the preheated car in the mornings to get carried to school, or the bonfires they kept us warm while we roasted smores and shared laughs. When they are grown, and they have an argument with their spouse, or get a promotion in their career or find out they have a baby on the way... or if they just simply need to talk about how they woke up and almost wore two different shoes to work... they will forever have a mama that they can come to no matter how old they are. We can laugh together, we can cry together, we can just sit in silence. But they have a mother and that makes me happy. 

-Feisty Mommy