People Pleasing

For a big part of my life, I have been a people pleaser. I don't like having to say "no" to others. I don't like putting myself out there for fear of rejection. I remember once in elementary school, a helicopter landed in the field, and they asked for students that wanted to take a ride to raise their hands. I wanted to ride so badly but I never put my hand up. I was afraid of rejection, or that another student that wanted to ride may have gotten upset if I had gotten chosen. I have given things away that I really wanted to keep just to make someone happy and avoid telling them no. I learned recently that for a significant number of survivors, this behavior is developed as a coping mechanism after traumatic experiences. It was explained to me that people pleasing is a way for me to feel in control again and avoid unwanted conflicts. Saying no was a conflict when I was a child, and that carried over into my adulthood. Now I am 36 years into life, and I have spent so much time pouring my heart and soul into those that matter like my kids and family (because I love them as a mother/daughter should) as well as those that shouldn't have mattered (to avoid conflict.) And, in doing so I poured and poured forgetting to leave myself enough to maintain my heart, soul and balance and now I feel empty. People pleasing is not healthy, and the longer you do it the harder it is to undo it. I have noticed that now that I am saying no more, I am catching more attitude than I would have had I just said no from the beginning and started with healthy boundaries. People became so used to me being the yes girl and now that I am trying to refill myself, they don't know how to handle it or how to react and that is okay. I have to remember that if someone becomes confrontational, it doesn't mean I have to engage. The other day a family member said some pretty hurtful things and I allowed him to finish and then I stood up and walked out of the front door with my dignity and peace intact. I got into my car, cranked it and left. I didn't scream and holler. I didn't engage. I didn't say a bunch of hurtful things that I would regret later. I simply removed myself from the situation and as much as the things that were said hurt my feelings, I reminded myself that it was his pain and anger talking. Life is one big learning curve. We all make mistakes and say and do things we wished we hadn't. But the biggest thing to remember is to LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES and do NOT keep repeating them! My favorite saying is Live, Love, Laugh... GROW! 

-Feisty Mommy