Sometimes we try our very best to see the best in others. And sometimes, in comparison to our past traumas and pain, "the best" that we see is actually only slightly better than the past pain we have been through and under a microscope it looks and feels like paradise, right? But in reality, it is just less painful and somehow that registers as acceptable. For example, my father is not an emotional man. His affection is monetary. If you need money, he will be there for you in a New York minute. However, if you come to him with conversation, he is very chauvinistic and believes that tearing the woman down in any situation is the best response even when speaking to his own daughter. I sincerely believe that this stems from his deep-rooted disrespect and disdain for his mother from his childhood traumas. Therefore, when I found my husband and he actually sat and listened to anything and everything I had to say it meant the world to me. He did the little things that were sweet, flowers, small gifts, just because texts and calls... However, he told me in the first year, "I am an asshole." I laughed it off, I thought he was joking. The men in my life have never been openly romantic or kind or vulnerable so I thought that this was his way of playing it off, I guess. He also told me his motto was, "He who cares least wins," and he told me to never forget that. Again, I chalked it up to manly sayings that don't hold a lot of meaning. We are a decade in, and it has been a rocky road because he was telling me the truth and I did not listen. This article is not a bash session by any means; however, it is true that you cannot believe what you see on social media or even outside of someone's home. In a heated argument the other night he said himself that I talk good about him to everyone but him. And it is true. I found it very distasteful for my mother to sit and bash my father to anyone who would listen. But to be fair to him, after year 6 I began telling him that I needed more. I was not vague. I was actually extremely blunt. I remember many conversations ending with, "I am telling you how I feel now, so that you can fix it or at least understand why I leave when I do." In that same heated argument, he told me that I had "checked out the last couple of years and he keeps waiting for me to 'be fun' again." I, again being blunt, told him that I had begun checking out 6 years ago, he just chose not to listen. Fun meant the me that didn't argue. The me that didn't speak up for herself and allowed herself to be doormat. Fun meant me telling myself that I am oversensitive and overthinking per the usual. And then, when I lost myself so much that I realized I don't laugh or play, or do anything that I used to enjoy, I spoke up. And it was then that I was no longer any fun. My husband is a lot like my father. Working and providing for the family is all that should be required. Emotional support is a surreal concept for them both. If he does hurt my feelings, he really does care less than I do. Over the years, I have apologized to him because I got upset when I felt disrespected, and I just wanted to stop the silent treatment even when I wasn't wrong. (Sometimes I was wrong, Lord knows I am far from perfect, and it does take two. I have had my fair share of upsetting him and pissing him off. The difference being that I sincerely apologize and try not to repeat the same things.) Anytime he is wrong there is guaranteed to be some justification in place of where the apology should be making why he did what he did my fault or someone else's. We haven't held a meaningful conversation in quite some time now. Somehow, I managed to move states away and find a younger version of my father and marry him and it took a decade to come to this realization. And yet, who am I to complain when he told me from the beginning, and I laughed it off? I take full responsibility for sticking to what I know and not leaving my comfort zone and not realizing that I was marrying an emotionally unavailable man who was blunt with me from day one. So, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, let them. Don't make excuses for them or yourself, don't keep repeating the same painful patterns. Understand that they are showing and telling you exactly who they are, and you are choosing not to listen to them or to your intuition, and then one day you wake up and you realize ten or twenty years have passed and you wonder why you didn't listen and save all of that time and energy for the both of you. I was asked after that heated debate a very important question because even though I am clearly a slow learner I have come to the understanding that nothing will change, and it shouldn't. He was honest with me from the beginning I was not honest with myself. He asked, "What can we do to fix it?" The honest answer is there is nothing. It should have been fixed when told me who he was. Or at the first discussion I had about my feelings. Or the second. Or the fiftieth. It wasn't. You can't buy a houseplant and neglect it for months and then call a florist and say, "Hey, I was told when the first leaf died, and the second and then when the entire plant dried out and it didn't seem to matter then. But now it's dead and I am just wanting to know, what can I do to fix it?" You should have watered it when the first leaf died. Life doesn't work that way. So, to all reading this blog here today, I have laid my personal life on the line. The takeaway that I want you all to gain no matter which side of the table you are on is this; Stop wasting time. Life is short. If you know your partner is telling you that they are not what you want, LISTEN TO THEM. If you know that your partner is telling you that they are unhappy... LISTEN TO THEM. If you want to be the someone that your partner needs, listen to what that is for them and start working on it NOW. Not when they are one foot and nine toes out of the door. You may not be able to be exactly what they are asking, and it would be unrealistic to expect anyone to be 100% perfect for anyone, but you would be amazed at how much effort alone means to someone. And last but not least, if you know that what you need is dramatically different than the person you are with, be fair. Step away. Don't make their life miserable by staying and complaining and giving them unattainable goals. It really does take two in a relationship. Some things are reparable, and some things are negotiable. But you have to be real for them and for yourself. -Feisty Mommy
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