Validation

I have spent my entire life seeking validation. I fear this is due to both parents, but mainly my father and stepmother. Every time I was upset about something, big or small, they would tell me I was "overly sensitive," or "A drama queen." Still to this day my father is guilty of that especially if any part of what upset me could even remotely seem to be his fault. It drives me insane! Because of this I feel like I spent most of my life questioning myself. Am I reacting appropriately? Could I be misunderstanding? Could I be taking this a little harder than normal people? For God sakes, my house was robbed once. Everything was taken from me and while crying and talking to the police and finding out that they wouldn't even take fingerprints on the window that was most certainly the one the robbers came in through, I lost my temper. Things that could not be replaced were taken from me. I felt so violated. And yet, that thought still managed to cross my mind. Am I being a drama queen? Am I overreacting? I absolutely was not. However, that has been a struggle for me as well. After moving out of my dad's house at 14, I never really saw or spoke to him unless he popped up at my grandmothers and spent what time we did have harassing me and accusing me of the most off the wall things his wife had supposedly heard. We didn't really have a relationship worth mentioning until 2010 when my grandmother passed away. And that was a rocky start. There were a lot of pent-up emotions that I decided had to be let loose if me and him were ever going to have any kind of relationship. I sat down with him one day, and as usual getting him alone was impossible his wife had to be right there for it all.... I told him all that he did that hurt me. Not once did he apologize or say that he understood where I was coming from or show any form of regret or remorse for the part he played in my childhood or lack thereof. The responses I got were, "You always thought someone was out to get you." Or "I don't think you are remembering that right," followed by his memory of it which totally excluded any negative parts that involved him or my stepmom. Or my favorite, "Well you didn't want to go to school or do anything you were supposed to, and you moved out so what was I supposed to do/think?" Victim blaming. And like a chihuahua, my stepmother would be right there to back him even though she knew what he was saying was a bold face lie. My father has a way of flipping and reversing everything onto you making you question your sanity, memory and emotions. That alone was detrimental growing up and even as a grown up. I visit my dad because I love him. However, the trips have to be timed right. I have to mentally prepare myself to go in because I know he has narcissistic tendencies, and I know my stepmother is very manipulative, so I have to watch what I say around her. I also have to remind myself to keep my emotions in check no matter what is said or done because it is not worth it. So, I prepare myself for when things start rolling off tongues that causes a heated conversation (which is frequently) I am prepared to smile through it, let them finish and then get up, hug my dad and tell him I love him and leave. Because no matter what I say, it won't be the correct answer. It won't be validated it will only be rebutted, called a lie or minimized to make me seem crazy for even being upset about "something so small." It's taken some time, but I have come to learn that my emotions and feelings are valid. And 9 out of 10 times, the narcissist or abuser will not validate your feelings about it because that is the equivalent to admitting they did something wrong. Therefore, there is no arguing with them. There is never going to be validation from them, and that is okay. Because the only validation you need is from yourself. It is easier said than done. And Lord knows I have tried and tried before giving up. I only got my father to apologize for two things. The first was him telling my mother that he didn't think I was his daughter in front of me when I was little, and that apology was followed with an excuse, "But we all know how she was and honestly I didn't know." The second was for his wife punching me in the face when I was about 20 because she got upset with me for wanting to talk to him alone. And again, that was followed by, "But it was a stressful time for us all because we had just taken custody of your step-nephew." Pain can be felt from all forms of abuse. Abuse is abuse. It is all equally unacceptable. But we do not need anyone's validation but our own!

-Feisty Mommy