Am I Enough? Will I ever be enough?

I have found myself asking this question all my life. Am I enough? Will I ever be enough? I know that it is directly linked to my mother repeatedly informing me that I ruined her life, and she wished I was never born. Sometimes I wonder if she allowed me to be sexually assaulted for over a year in hopes that the man would eventually dispose of me and free her from having me in her life. I frequently wondered how life would have turned out if I had a supportive, loving, understanding and tight knit family. I am bad about overcompensating as a mother. I have a tendency to do all I can to make sure my children have everything they need and most of what they want even if it means I go without. My mothers voice rents space in my head for free on my worst days. "You ruined my life." "I wish you were never born." "I can't stand you." And those are the days that my insecurities get the best of me. I wasn't enough for my mom. She hated me. I was never good enough for my dad. Anything I did, somehow, I could have done whatever it was much better. Why would I be good enough for anyone else if I wasn't good enough for the people that birthed me? My thoughts and memories are the absolute loudest when it's quiet. When everyone is at school or work... or when they are sleeping... I question myself a lot more than I should, and I could really work on my confidence. I am my own biggest critic. On my worst days, the thoughts pelt me harder than a paintball gun shooting paintballs at full blast. And like clockwork, the door opens. I put on my biggest smile no matter how fake it may be, and I listen as the kids walk into the door. I listen to them laugh as they are greeted by our dogs with kisses and tail wags. They step into the room, hug me and begin telling me all about their day. All the good, the bad and the funny. All the hustle and bustle of stories from their days and laughter as the other one speaks drowns out my parents' voices. And slowly reality begins to smack me in the face. I am enough. I am more than enough. My children are well taken care of. Their biggest complaint is that a kid made up a rumor... or their bestie made a new friend, and they are afraid that friend will become a new bestie and take their place... or someone got the newest Jordans, and they want a pair....  I realize that I was strong ENOUGH to break the cycle. I realize that I am wise ENOUGH to know who I was supposed to look up to and who I was to learn what not to do from. I realize I am caring ENOUGH to realize how things made me feel and empathetic ENOUGH to not lash out and put those same miseries on my children. I am ENOUGH. I was always ENOUGH. And I will always be MORE than ENOUGH for the right people. I just wish those realizations spoke louder than my parents' voices on my bad days. However, when they don't.... the hustle and bustle of my kids walking through that door after getting home from school sure will. Every. Single. Time. 

-Feisty Mommy