Recognizing Red Flags

There are so many red flags out there to warn us about people and their true nature and sometimes we miss them. Not because we want to, but because growing up, our arsenals were not filled with the knowledge needed to recognize them as what they were, red flags. Many of us watched our mothers and fathers in toxic relationships, accepting things that were completely unacceptable, and it normalized those things for us. It desensitized us to the danger behind those actions. Then we become the grown up and we think, well that's what dad did to mom... or that that's what mom did to dad... and even though it feels so wrong, we ignore that feeling because that is what we knew as normal. Or in other situations, it could be that we were sheltered from those things so much so that we just don't understand what is happening until the damage is done. Regardless as to what the reasoning is, it is not your fault if you missed a few red flags, please do not blame yourself! I did a blog a while back listing the many forms of abuse. I will list some of the red flags here.

Red Flags to Watch For:

• Screaming/Speaking through gritted teeth  
• Humiliation tactics 
• Calling you out of your name
• Ignoring you
• Isolating you from your friends and family
• Threats or any fear tactics (This includes something that may seem simple like riding down the road and speeding up and you asking them to slow down and they keep speeding up faster. This is abuse.)
• Manipulation making you question and doubt yourself also known as "gaslighting."

A lot of times these factors can lead into physical abuse as well. I have a friend that went through the last one frequently. Her husband would do things all the time when he got angry at her that wouldn't physically harm her but would scare her half to death and she would make excuses for him. "He was just joking." "It's not like he really hurt me." "I was just being a baby." Unfortunately, it took her having a child with him and seeing him do this with their child that made here realize that yes, this is most certainly abuse. Making someone scared for their life in any manner out of anger is without a doubt ABUSE. 

I remember after I was raped, my mother felt it necessary to tell me that she too had been raped at a young age in a foster care home by her foster mother's husband. Mind you, this was after she found out what had happened to me and scared me into telling no one else and had let it go on for a year without removing me from the situation... anyways I had lashed out and basically called her a bad mom for allowing it to happen and her response to me was this story in the most disgusted tone imaginable. Her foster care mother's husband began molesting her and eventually that led to him raping her. She knew that her foster mother had to have known because she was the only one that did laundry, and she had to see the stains in her panties and know what was happening and yet she did nothing. She never asked my mother about it, she never confronted her husband about it, she just continued to wash the laundry and act oblivious to the fact that it was happening. She ended that story with, "So be thankful you didn't live with the man so he could do it every single night." And that is how she justified it. That leads me to my next statement. I do believe that there are red flags in sexual predators that you can spot if you know what to look for. And even if you are wrong, I would rather you be wrong than to be right and second guess yourself. Most of these will come from memory of what my abuser did leading up to the abuse and some will be shared from research. 

Red Flags to Look for In Sex Offenders

• First and foremost, ALWAYS check your surroundings using the national sex offender registry for a list of all local registered offenders!!! www.nsopw.gov
• They will hang around children more than adults. In my case, my abuser was my friend's dad. He was constantly outside playing will all of us neighborhood kids. We all thought he was the coolest dad ever.  
• Grooming is a well-known one and definitions may very but for me this meant being showered in gifts and being made to feel special. When we would play team games he would choose me first. When he saw I didn't seem happy, he would approach me and act like he cared. He would play the role of a caring, trusted adult and build a bond with me. 
• Compliments in a nature in which it physically sounds like they are telling your child they are more mature than the other children. To me that should have been a HUGE red flag to my dad looking back on it, but unfortunately my dad just seemed to think it was because I was an only child at the time and only had him and my mom to be around all the time. 
• Trust your gut instinct when it comes to your children. There was once that I had to go to work and my oldest daughter was 3 years old and I was leaving her with a family friend. Right before we left, their friend pulled up and he was an older man and he was looking at my daughter the way a grown man would look at a grown woman and he kept grunting and saying, "Man, she is so pretty." After about the third time and 5 minutes of watching him stare at her without her blinking or looking away and a sick feeling in my gut, I picked up my daughter, thanked the family friend and told her she wouldn't be keeping her anymore. I walked out to my car and left. I lost my job that day, but I don't care, because my daughter didn't lose her innocence. I have never regretted that day. Not once. I was already running late when I dropped her off, thank God! (I feel like the universe meant for me to be there when he got there. I always say if you're running late there is a reason even if you never figure out what that reason was.) So, I had already called in late. I was also pretty new. And after that fiasco I was on such high alert nothing could have made me leave my baby anywhere at that point. I held her close the rest of the night. Had I been on time, there is no telling what would have happened to her. 

No matter where you are, what situation you are in, who you are with, even if you are alone... remember to be aware of your surroundings. Teach your child to be aware of their surroundings. Teach your child that secrets are for mommy. I always told mine that secrets are for mommy. If anyone in the whole wide world tells them a secret, they're not breaking the rules or anyone's trust if they tell mommy. Even if that person said, "Don't even tell your mama!" You still tell mama no matter what and you are not doing anything wrong! So far, out of 17 years of being Mommy, I have been loaded down with secrets. I will say the first few times a 6- or 7-year-old runs at you freaking out screaming, "MOMMY, MOMMY I NEED TO TALK TO YOU I HAVE BIGGGG SECRET AND I NEED TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW!" Your heart sinks, well at least mind did because of my "secrets" at that age... but the minute you walk them into a private room and find out that Samantha has a crush on Hunter and Julia is going to be pissed because she thought he was cute first you are overcome with relief. But that is the key right there. Remembering to let them come to you with the things that are huge to them but so small to us and matching their energy and understanding that it is huge to them will really reinforce them being able to come to you with everything from teeny tiny to ginormous for the rest of their lives. -Feisty Mommy