Because of You

I talk a lot about my mother because she was without a doubt the worst part of my life. My dad had his moments and missed a lot of opportunities to bond with me, but he was always there for me even if it was from a distance at times. However, that song Because of You by Kelly Clarkson hits me right in my soul every time I hear it. It makes me think of both of my parents. The main course says it all, "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt. Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me. Because of you, I am afraid." This hits home for me because I am always scared to take risks. I am scared I will fail and fall flat on my face, so I rarely ever leave my comfort zone. I saw the worst things as a child... because of them. The next part of the song is the main part that makes me think of my dad, because showing emotion meant you were weak. Crying meant you were attention seeking, no matter what I did it was never good enough. There was always room for improvement. Kelly Clarkson sings, "I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out. I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes. I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with..." I still have hard feelings towards my father for a few reasons. The main one being that after I was sexually assaulted, appearances and his own comfort meant more to him. I wasn't allowed to have emotions. I wasn't allowed to be a scared child. I was supposed to be mature and intelligent no matter my age. People on the outside looking in had to see a happy normal family and all the pain, trauma and tears had to be hidden behind closed doors. I have hard feelings, but I do forgive him, and he has more than made up for the way he was while I was growing up. Life has a funny way of humbling those of us that walk around faking a perfect life and acting too good for regular society. I hate that life had to humble him so harshly, but that is how the stubborn learns. My kids have a grandfather that is much gentler and kinder than he was as a father. And that I am thankful for. But where did that leave me? Even though I have forgiven him, and he is more open to emotional discussions... the hard truth is this comes after years and years of built-up steam. Imagine a pressure cooker.... the top is shaking and rattling because the steam is building up and then the kids come in and everyone screams "STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!" Because one bump, one strong enough vibration and KABOOM! It explodes. Those are our emotional conversations. One of us says something and the other one (both of us being a pressure cooker from built up pain and unresolved traumas) and KABOOM.... things are said... feelings are hurt... and all of it could have been avoided in numerous ways but the healthiest way being by dealing with it head on when it happened. Not twenty years later. I pray when my kids look at me and think, "Because of you..." I hope they think, Because of you I am confident. Because of you I am safe. Because of you I know I can come to you anytime on a good or a bad day. Because of you I am responsible, respectful and healthy. Because of you I am unapologetically and happily me. I hope you offer the same to your kids. If they need to talk, let them. All my love, Feisty Mommy!