A Mothers Love

Just a reminder, I am the product of a couple with two totally different extremes when it came to parenting. They were divorced, but together or apart only two things remained consistent: their parenting style (or lack thereof) and my granny's house being the bus stop to and from school. My mother was an inattentive partier that did not care what we did as long as we weren't bothering her. My father was the super authoritarian so much so, that no matter how well you did anything it still wasn't right or good enough. There is a fine line to toe when parenting in my opinion. You don't want to be their "bestie" because that lacks boundaries that are needed for both of you as well as causes them to lack respect for you and your rules. But you do want them to know that you are their safe space, they can tell you anything and they have your unconditional love, even if sometimes it has to be shown as tough love. You don't want to be the super authoritarian because then they hide everything from you and keep you in the dark and can't trust to bring anything to you because they will know that no matter what you are going to fly off the deep end, make them feel even worse and then you have still lost respect and every opportunity you had to guide them when they needed it the most. My parents may have failed miserably at toeing the line, however, luckily, I had my granny. And she is who I most wanted to mirror in my parenting style. No matter what I did I knew I could tell her. I knew that if I was wrong, she would correct, guide and if need be, discipline me. But in the end, no matter the situation, I knew that she loved me whole heartedly and unconditionally and she was my safe space even when I knew I was wrong, and I could expect her to be respectfully and brutally honest. Here is a story that should make you laugh. When I was about 6, we were at the dollar store, and she told me I could get one toy. I was excited. I found the perfect one. We walked around getting her things and in the process of her shopping, I found a second toy. She told me to pick one, and I threw a fit. I cried, I screamed that I wanted both of them and embarrassed her half to death, I am sure. She never screamed at me, never raised her voice. She simply took both toys and set them down, told me that I was getting a switch when I got home and started walking. I could tell she was upset and disappointed and we left with no toys at all. ON the car ride home, I talked to her and made her laugh and thought maybe she will forget what I did. She is laughing and talking normally... As soon as the car was in park and the keys came out of the ignition, she looked at me and said, "Go pick your switch. Bring it into me when you are ready." I picked a small one (not knowing those were the better ones for switching, as I had never been switched before.) I walked in, handed it to her and she swatted my leg three times. It hurt my pride more than it did my leg. Afterwards, she sat with me and explained why that is not how we act in any situation. She ended the lecture with a hug and kiss on my forehead. I never did anything like that again. I cannot explain to you how much that woman taught me and how much she loved me through. I sincerely believe that I only survived because of her and her love and prayers. In my teen years, I broke and told her a lot of what had been bothering me over the years. I told her that mom knew all that time that my rapist was assaulting me. I told her all the drunken stories and about all the fights and headbutts etc. All of the abuse and trauma came flowing out of me to her and I felt like that scared child all over again. Only this time I was 14. My mother, even though granny was my dad's mom, and her and daddy were divorced, and she had abandoned me and my brother, she would still stop by regularly to visit, eat and borrow money. Shameless, I know. One day in particular, she stopped by and came in. I could smell the alcohol on her and granny was more observant and knew everything at that point. My mom asked to borrow money for a light bill that was overdue. I looked at her in disgust, my granny noticed and as she was reaching into her purse, she asked me what was wrong. I told my granny without hesitation right in front of my mother. "She wreaks of alcohol. If her light bill is passed due, maybe she should lay off the 24 packs a night..." My mother stood and started screaming at me that I was going to respect her and what she did as an adult was none of my business. Per the usual, at the end of her screaming, she headbutted me right in front of granny. Granny immediately put her billfold back in her purse and put her purse down. She looked at my mother and said in a chilling stern voice that I had never heard from her before, "If you want your children to respect you, then you have to give them something to respect. Now get out of my house and be on your way." Her and my mother locked eyes and after a couple of seconds my mother turned on the waterworks and apologized. My grandmother was done at that point and was not accepting apologies. She told her that the best apology in that moment would be to get her things and leave peacefully. She did. I do believe that the unexpected drop in visits borrowing money ended that day, unless she did it while I wasn't there, and I just didn't know about it. But my granny was absolutely correct. You want to be something your kids can look up to and give them something to respect. Just because you had them does not entitle you to their respect especially when you are an alcoholic and extremely abusive. I think to myself all the time that I wish I would have had a great mother's love because there is nothing comparable. And then, I share a story like this would and realize I did have that. Just not traditionally speaking. I had that with my grandMOTHER! And for that I am extremely blessed. My heart hurts that my kids don't have a granny like I did. She was by far the best thing in my life growing up. I talk about her all the time and the other day I told my kids that I am sorry that they don't have a granny like I did and that I wished they could've met her because they would have loved her so much and she would have loved them to death. When I said that my youngest daughter said with a big smile on her face, "We don't need a granny like that because we have you." And that nugget of knowledge from a ten-year-old put things into perspective for me. God may not have blessed me with a good mom or an emotionally stable, understanding dad. But he did bless me with one of the most amazing women to walk this earth. What I hope you take away from this is simple. Pick your battles. Understand that your kids are going to make mistakes and remember that that is okay. Let them know making mistakes is okay as long as they learn from them. And even in their worst moments when they make really poor choices and you have to set them straight, do it. But end it with a hug, a kiss on the forehead and leave them with the knowledge that no matter what they do or where they are you love them and always will. Last but most certainly not least, if you want respect you have to earn it. And yes, even when you are the parent. They are little humans. They are not our property. They are miniature versions of us, and they too deserve respect. All my love, Feisty Mommy. 

Rest in peace granny. I hope that when you look down on me from heaven that I make you proud. Thank you for giving me something to look up to in the midst of everyone else showing me what not to do in life. Thank you for loving me through my worst moments and still having the strength to set me straight when I needed it. #ForeverGranny'sGirl 1927-2010