Everyone experiences and copes with trauma differently. No two people are the same. So never ever compare yourself with any other survivors. What I am about to share is my personal experience as I cannot speak for anyone but myself. When I was 13, I had a crush on an older boy. I thought he was the cutest thing ever and so funny. After hanging out with him for a few months, one day he put his hand on my inner thigh, and I tensed up. He was ready to move to the next part of our relationship and I sincerely wasn't sure how to say no or even that I could. This wasn't like the grown man that day giving kids 4-wheeler rides. This was a boy that I liked and respected. This was my first actual sexual encounter as a teenager. When he began kissing and touching me, even though he was respectful and gentle I was still so tense and scared. I wanted to but I had associated so much negativity with the entire act of sex because of my trauma. When it happened, I just laid there. I didn't make a noise; I couldn't get into it, and I was in my head the entire time wondering why he would want to do this to me and what would have happened had I said no. It wasn't painful but it wasn't pleasing either to no fault of his own. It was just yet another echo from my past hindering me from understanding that he was wanting to do this with me, not to me. After that, I didn't talk to him. Looking back, he had no idea what I had gone through... He probably wondered what he did wrong and why I wouldn't call him or why I stopped seeing him. I left him with no closure or explanation. The next sexual encounter I would experience would be with a boy that I had had a crush on since 3rd grade. I was in third and he was in fifth. I loved everything about him. He didn't know that. He lived in my dad's neighborhood, and I would play with his little sister sometimes and he always picked on us. One day in the breakfast line at school, I was behind him. I said, "I want Lucky Charms please." He looked at me and said, "You need some lucky charms to help with all that ugly." I felt my face get hot and I went to the bathroom and cried. As we grew up together, I come to realize he joked like that with everyone, and I had taken it way too personal. At 15, I was with him and his sister in his truck, and we dropped her off somewhere and then he was taking me home afterwards. We talked almost all the way home and right before getting to my dad's he asked if I wanted to come to his uncle's house with him. I thought, oh my God! He wants to spend one on one time with me!! I was flattered and excited so of course I went. When we got there his uncle wasn't home yet and things got a little heated. I wanted him so badly, but again echoes from the past interfered and once it started happening, I lay there making no noise, not interacting much and just in my head about things. We had sex multiple times and he tried so many different things and I never understood why until I was fully grown. He was trying to help me enjoy it but because of my trauma I couldn't. I thought I was just supposed to lay there and do as I was told to make the man happy and just wait for it to be over. This went on for years with my sexual block. I just didn't see the point in it. I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't exactly dislike it. It was just a neutral okay guys want it kind of thing, I guess. It wasn't until I was 25 that I met my husband, and we had to get to know each other predominantly through texting and calling because he was an over the road truck driver at the time. We talked about everything and anything. Sex came up and he made the joke, "You're not a 'dead lay' are you?" I had to ask what that meant. He explained it is when the girl lays there and doesn't interact or moan or anything. He was joking and it was a vulgar term, however, it hit me that all that time that is exactly what I had been. I didn't realize I was supposed to enjoy it. I didn't realize that sex isn't only physical it is mental as well and if your mind is focused on the wrong things no matter what they do you will not enjoy it. When we finally slept together after months of talking and getting to know each other, I decided I was going to focus on how everything felt and what I liked and speak up if something happened good or bad so that he could keep doing what I liked or stop whatever I didn't like. And for the first time in my adult life, I had an orgasm. I blocked all negativity associated with sex and focused on how his touch made me feel. It made a world of difference. I was shocked and disappointed that my views on sexual relations had been so skewed at a young age when I shouldn't have even known what sex was. I began to look up different things and realized a majority of people begin masturbating in their teens. I never did that. I never explored my own body. Everything about sex and everything sexually related was just so taboo to me that I literally thought it was just to please a man and then be over. It is very common for sexual assault survivors to be hypersexual active afterwards. I am not sure if I am wired differently but somehow, I came out of that situation backwards. Granted I had sex more than once when I didn't actually want to out of fear of the repercussions if I said no. (Which was never the fault of the guys involved.) It was an echo from the monster that had me when I was a kid. I was slow to find that sex is actually pleasurable with the right person. Not a punishment or just a kind act for the man. Sometimes the echoes still interfere with some things. My assaulter made me, and his daughter watch a VHS about oral sex and told us to learn something and show him what we learned afterwards. That resurfaces sometimes with oral sex is requested or it is insinuated that it is what is wanted. I still seem to get a feeling deep in my guy that just turns my stomach. I'm not sure why that is still with me as much as it is, but it is and the man in my life is understanding thankfully. Anyways, I am sharing this in hopes that someone out there reads it and realizes they are not alone. And maybe you needed to read about the "dead lay" joke to realize when you have sex you are supposed to enjoy it. Don't let the predator take that from you! XOXO love you all. Best of wishes!
Add comment
Comments