Complacency

I have noticed on my journey to healing that there were a lot of lingering voices in my mind that held me back and to be honest there still are some on my very bad days. But I am trying so hard to change those voices to sound more like me and less like my parents and those that hurt me. I am trying to step out of my comfort zone more and more each day and remind myself to trust my judgement and those around me. It is so much easier said than done. But I am trying my hardest and that is what counts. I feel like complacency is a problem for all humans at some point in their life, survivors included. We tend to find a place we feel safe and then we dwell there, unable to move forward because we are comfortable in knowing that we are safe where we are and then we settle. Without taking chances and taking leaps and doing all we can to keep pushing forward we end up ultimately restricting ourselves and never seeing how far we can actually go in life. I don't want to be complacent anymore. I don't want to be "comfortable." I want to push myself to do bigger things with my life. Telling my story publicly was the first big leap. I am still "anonymous," since I haven't dropped any names, but I assure you if my parents, my rapist and a select few people come across this blog and read it, they will know without a doubt who the writer is. That is a risk I finally decided I was willing to take. For one, it has been an amazing release for me. Secondly, I have thoroughly benefitted from all of the "me too's," I have received in knowing that I am not alone. Last but not least, I pray that this blog is a "me too," for someone that needed it. It helps tremendously to know that there are others out there that understand the abuse you experienced and the aftermath it left you with. It is nice to know that all the times that I wondered why I couldn't just be normal because I was overthinking, or my mind went straight to worst case scenario, that there is someone out there that would understand wholeheartedly why my mind does that. I am "normal." My next big leap that I am working up to will be podcasting. I started this with a huge fear that my father would find it and get upset. I am to the point now, that I realize I have spent my ENTIRE life upset. This is my story to tell. I lived it, suffered the aftermath of it and now I am older and wiser, and I will be damned if anyone is going to tell me "There is nothing to talk about, it was handled," ever again. I will tell my story. I will own what happened to me. I am no longer complacent. I am bold. I am brave. I am angry. I am HEALING. And it took me long enough...

-Feisty Mommy