Seeing Beyond the Pain

I hold a lot of hard feelings towards my parents and those that hurt me and failed me when I was growing up. So, I know without a doubt that what I am about to say is easier said than done. But I am not a hypocrite. I do remind myself frequently to keep the following in mind before I react to anything. People that abuse, mistreat and neglect others often have experienced major trauma in their pasts as well. Sometimes, those that hurt us are currently going through harsh realities of their own. However, not everyone has the heart and understanding that because they have been through it or are going through it, they don't want to put others through it. The popular reaction is to lash out and hurt others so that they are not the only ones feeling the pain. It doesn't make it right by no means. But on my worst days, I have to remember that my mother was harshly abused and neglected as a child. She was also molested in foster care until her father got custody back of her and her younger sister and then he too sexualized and molested them. Moreso her sister than her, but regardless she had a lot happen to her as well. She just drowned it in the bottom of a bottle and lashed out sharing her pain and misery with me and my brother instead of choosing to make sure we felt none of what she had to go through. It is tough being the one to choose to break generational cycles. It is tough being strong enough to cope with your pain without mirroring it on to those around you. And it takes A LOT of strength to go through it and realize that you have to see past the pain that you yourself endured at the hands of these people and realize they are sick and have mental issues because of their own previous undealt with trauma. I do not speak to my mother unless she messages me which is very rarely. Occasionally, when all else fails, she will call me and ask me to take her to the grocery store. And when she had surgery and she asked me to be there, I was. But I keep her at arm's length. My children have never been, nor will ever be around her. I know that she suffered some very unfortunate pain in her childhood, and I pity her for that. However, I also know that she grew up and made the choice to mirror that pain onto us and I refuse to give her the opportunity to mirror it onto my children. Seeing her makes my heart sink. Hearing her voice makes my stomach turn. Just seeing her name pop up on my phone when she calls or texts makes me nauseous. However, I try to remember that I broke the cycle where she couldn't. I broke the cycle where her parents couldn't. She deserved a loving and supportive family just like I did. She suffered just like I did. Her mother burned her with cigarettes, her dad beat her, she had no stability for the first 9 or so years of her life and was bounced around from foster care home to foster care home. And then when she found out her dad wanted her and had come for her, she had hope that she had never had before. Hope for a family. Hope for forever home that involved no more moving around and wondering who her caretaker would be. Hope that she was actually loved and cared for, and it was just a mistake that she was in the system for so long. And then after he gets her, all that hope was shattered by his abuse making bouncing from home to home look a little more enticing. My heart truly goes out to her and all she's been through. She is my mother regardless even if she failed us miserably. But I try so hard to see past the pain that caused her to lash out and shut down and not protect us and be the mom she could have been and see her as a scared broken child in a grown woman's body that never found her way out of the trauma. Seeing beyond the pain holds many meanings. 1) As trauma survivors, we must see beyond our own pain to make sure we don't become the root of our loved one's traumas. 2) When we are being hurt by another, we must try and see beyond the pain they are carrying and reflecting onto us and realize that this treatment is not our fault nor is it something that we deserve. 3) Last but definitely not least, we must teach our kids to see beyond the pain in others as well such as bullies at school. My oldest daughter had a bully in elementary school, and it got to the point that she didn't even want to go. I had reached out to the school multiple times, and they said they would handle it, and nothing changed. Finally, I sat my daughter down and we had a long talk. I explained to her that maybe the little girl was going through some things at home, and it was causing her to lash out at other kids in the school and unfortunately, she had somehow become the focus of the girl's attention. I explained to her that there was nothing wrong with her and that she definitely did not deserve the treatment she was receiving, and I told her to try killing the girl with kindness. The next day she got off the bus and come running into the house. "MAMA! MAMA!! Guess what??" "What baby?" "The girl that was bullying me, is my friend now! You were right. She started being mean to me and I said 'I don't know what you are going through, but if you ever need to talk, I am here for you. I am sorry you are so mad all the time.' and at first, she rolled her eyes at me and walked away like I made her more mad. But at recess she came over to me and asked me to swing with her! She told me her parents were breaking up and she had been sad about it, and I was the first one to notice something was wrong!!!" Those girls are still friends to this day. I was so proud of my daughter. I hadn't told her to call her out on it, she did that all on her own. I only told her to be kind and react minimally. My little girl is now 17, and still reacts this way to rudeness in every school she has been to. I really think that is one of the most valuable lessons I ever taught her. The only time she has handled rude with rude was when a little girl on her bus a couple of years ago was making fun of a non-verbal autistic kid. She was getting upset and was trying to give the bus driver time to handle it. However, the little girl got up and threw trash on the non-verbal autistic child and said, "That's where the trash belongs." My daughter stood up, removed the trash from him walked it up to the trashcan and looked at her and said, "The only trash I see on this bus is you. Leave him the hell alone." She sat down and fumed all the way home. She got off the bus and told me what had happened and that she had cussed. And sure enough, the school called to let me know there had been an incident that involved her cursing, however, due to the situation they were only reaching out to make sure I was aware, and that she would receive no punishment at school for it but to make sure curse words didn't become a habit. I am going to be honest; I don't condone children cussing however that day I was proud of my baby. Curse word or not. That took courage, confidence and a pure and good heart! Seeing beyond the pain is hard, but it does make a difference. -Feisty Mommy