Echoes of Trauma

It has always been strange to me that I went into self-destruct mode and was fearless as a teen. Mad at the world, hated everyone including myself and never really thought about the sexual abuse as much as I did my mother being abusive mentally, physically and emotionally. When she would get angry, she would headbutt me. She would lean down in my face and speak to me through gritted teeth and end her sentence with a headbutt. Every time. Then, I became a mom and that's when echos of my trauma became more of an issue. I remember a family member had given my oldest daughter a bath when she was about a year old. They had watched her for an hour. When I picked her up, I was told she had thrown up on her outfit, so they bathed and changed her. She wasn't potty trained yet, when we got to the apartment, she had wet herself and I went to change her. I saw a short curly hair in the crease where her leg met her private area, and I lost it. I went right back to their house, stormed in and asked why I found a pubic hair on my daughter's bottom. I was infuriated, fully in panic mode thinking something had happened. They tried to calm me down and explain it may have been a hair in the tub that stuck to her or anything they weren't sure. I wasn't having it. I took her home again and vowed no one would ever keep her again. Looking back, that was totally irrational of me, but it was an echo of my trauma. My youngest daughter wanted to go to her friend's house to play just the other day. Her parents are separated, and the dad is currently single, and they would have been going to her father's house. Her dad seems like a nice man, I have met him numerous times... But the echo of my trauma sets off internal alarms that she does not need to be there with a single man and his daughter. The man that assaulted me was single and doing it to his daughter. Therefore, I cannot make myself say yes. We took the kids to Carowinds last year, both of my daughters had to go to the restroom while I was on a ride with my sons. I got off the ride and saw my husband but neither of my girls. Echos of my trauma had my heart pounding out of my chest. I ran to him and asked where the girls were... He told me the restroom and chewed his head off. "You let them go alone? What if someone snatches them or pulls them into the restroom and locks the door?" I ran to the bathroom in tears to check on them. They were walking back holding hands and 100% fine. The echos of my trauma cause my mind to go to worst case scenario all the time and it is detrimental to my nerves, sometimes my marriage and my quality of life. I try to contain emotions in the situations, so the kids don't always see that side of me. I try to calm myself before reacting and most times I succeed. Sometimes, depending on the situation I fail miserably. There have been times that I have been in a crowded environment and lost sight of my kids in a line for a ride and went into full anxiety attacks. Everything gets hot, I feel like I am having a literal heart attack, I have to remind myself to breathe slowly, do my chest stretches and try to relax. No matter what I do or how hard I work to get past it.... there will always be echos of my trauma throughout my life and that is a battle all by itself.